Shooting Dreams

For years I had those really realistic dreams that I would be in a public place, someone would come in shooting, I'd try to hide, fake that I was already down, but they would go straight to me, stare at me, and shoot me. And I would feel the pain of it as well. These dreams were so weird. And this was before all these shootings were so common lately. Then I had that incident at the W pool where I had to literally run from a gunman, cops were running towards me since he was next to me with guns drawn and I was just running pushing people out of the way. We were with the hotel staff in a little room in the back, hearing the helicopter above, waiting to see if he would come in our little room and just shoot us all. We were all pretty scared, some girls were crying. It was scary.


So after that, the nightmares stopped, then as of this week, they started up again. I had 2 last night, not just 1 and I hated it. They're so realistic. This time we were in a new mall.


I hate these dreams, and to me they always mean that something bad is coming for me but no matter how much I think it's as bad as it can get, it's gonna be over soon.


I don't know, but I hate these dreams.


Till next time,
<3 Jessica

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Thursday, May 23, 2013 Posted in | | 0 Comments »

Holidays: Getting Over It

The Holidays used to be such a great time for me.

I've lived away from home since I was 17, and so the holidays to me was always a time of coming home, no matter what I was doing, where I was living, nothing stopped me. I was always home. My brother, my parents, and I would play games, go look at lights, bake, etc... just had family time celebrating.

Once my brother was a senior in high school that all changed. He had his first girlfriend and wanted her over for Christmas. I'm like, what? That's family time, and shes just a girlfriend. Why are we inviting random people over for that day? She ended up not being in town or something so that didn't happen. Then he got another girlfriend and started doing that same thing every single holiday. And when he's around us with her, he's a completely different person. He's very rude, disrespectful, and someone I don't even want to see.

Now, I'm like, can't we have 1 holiday where it's just family again? To me family used to mean the world. It meant reconnecting that family bond and spending time together. No one understands, I've learned over the years.
I don't care, bring your dumb girlfriend and whoever over whenever, I just won't be there. But the Holidays? Those days aren't meant for family. The one day, Christmas, that I'm wanting just family together no one understands. I've never in my life brought a boyfriend home for any holiday. To me Holidays are sacred....for family.
If you're engaged/married, that's different, but just a partner for the time? No.

It's now escalated to the point that my own parents have actually told me numerously that anyone my brother is dating is more important than me and that if I don't like it, I need to leave. How are you supposed to spend time with everyone and be okay with people coming over for Christmas, when you're being told they're more important then you, their own daughter? They've even called her their daughter before.

Also, take into account, my brother only sees my parents when he needs something, so this is extra annoying for me after everything I've done for them and they treat me that way.

So I see everyone's images on Facebook/Twitter of being with family, having so much fun, and I'm so jealous. I sit here crying and wishing we could have that again, plus hurt that I've basically been excluded from Christmas this year after being told basically that I'm not needed/wanted around.

I tell myself I just need to get over it and realize that won't be my family ever again, and try to move on somehow. But how are you supposed to move on from family? I feel like my only alternative is to cut off communication from them, go away, and just let them live their happy lives without me. I'm constantly being told I'm the problem, so why not exclude the problem...
My brother says things like "F you" "No one's ever going to love you." and that is okay with my parent's. They've never stood up for me. But if I mention his name at all in their presence, they jump at me and defend him to no end. Friends of there's have even seen this and commented on it to me.

Even on Thanksgiving, my parents went away, and I decided to stay, and my brother stayed as well. I made a meal and told my brother to come over, he says if I wanted to spend time with family, I should have left with my parents. Of course, he didn't come over at all that day and I spent it alone.

I've always lived away, and have always been independent, on my own, not really any close friends but more acquaintances, and I always felt like no matter what, I had my family.

Now at 28, I'm realizing I won't ever have any family time again in my life.
Holidays don't exist for me anymore, and never will.

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Monday, December 24, 2012 Posted in | | 0 Comments »

Ashamed of my achievements/friends?

I had a dream last night that brought something to light that I never realized. Ever since I was 15, I worked in different areas and were friends with some known people, known brands, etc… that’s just because of being involved in the music business so young, and me being a go-getter making lots of connections to get to my bigger goal.


Being from Austin, everything I did was genuine. I would make connections with people I needed, but I was actually genuine and was friends with these people. I was never a fake LA person, I didn’t even know what that was, or how to be that. I was naïve in that sense. Because of that, when I moved to LA, I was the same way I was in TX. I was friends with these people, which to me were just people, not celebrities, whether they lived in LA or not. I started making friends and sharing with them stories that happened that day, etc.., just talking the way friends do, but when they realized my stories involved someone ‘famous’, they played the LA card and had to cash in. Stories started spreading; some things that weren’t even true, radio shows got a hold of stuff, etc… Needless to say, we had a chat about it and it was explained to me that LA people will sell anyone out, even a ‘friend’, to get their spotlight. I couldn’t believe friends would do that to me, it seemed to spiral out of control before I even realized what had happened, what people were doing behind my back, and that in LA I really had no true friends.


It took me about a full year of being in LA to realize that. Funny enough, none of that happened when I was in North Hollywood trying to be a dancer, but it all started when I moved in town (Sunset). From that moment on, I realized, I was on my own, no family, no friends, just me and people that were trying to be friends with me to get to other people. I would test people out too, I thought I was crazy and that not everyone was like that, so if I heard a song playing, I would bring up a name of someone in the band and say something simple about that person and their eyes would get big and say, “Really?”. It confirmed that most people in LA can’t take ‘celebs’ to be just people, friends, co-workers. I don’t know if maybe it’s just people that have migrated to LA, because I can’t see people that have lived in LA their whole lives being like that, but I don’t know. I stopped hanging out with people that were known, stopped saying hi when I saw them if I was out with other friends, and just let them go. I was almost embarrassed to be associated with them because of what my ‘friends’ would think of me.


As the years went on, I found it harder and harder to talk about my past achievements. People ask what I do for a living, people ask what I used to do, I hear someone talking about audio or something I know and get really excited about, so I want to jump in, then they ask how I know that, or anything similar, and when I tell them, more times than none, I’m not believed. So many people in LA lie about who they know or what they do, that as of the last 2 years, I’m actually ashamed in some ways to say who I know/worked with, that I have tried distancing myself from that so much that I don’t even hang out with those people anymore. If someone says they want to go somewhere where celebrities would be, I don’t go. I don’t want to run into someone, say hi, then lose the friend that I’m with because they would just want to, again, sell me out. My circle of friends were once ‘well known’ people, now I don’t let myself be associated with that at all anymore.


I feel like now instead of being proud of what I’ve done in the past, which I’ve done a lot I’m personally still so excited about, I’m, in a way, ashamed of it. I can’t mention it in LA, it’s like a piece of me that’s secret, that I can’t tell anyone about anymore because it will only degrade me and make them think of me as a liar, as “Hollywood’ for telling stories, as a fake, and therefore will ruin our friendship. And that’s sad because no one should be ashamed of their past friends or their past work accomplishments.


That has definitely carried on, and I’m realizing that now. I just bought a car yesterday, and I’m finding any reason to not be excited about it. I was signing the papers, not one smile on my face. People constantly shaking my hand telling me congratulations, I would just mumble thanks. Not sure what I was feeling. Then last night I realized…..it was guilt. I felt bad about something big and fun happening for myself, because of what other people would think. Last night I realized that people in LA wouldn’t be happy for me. Instead they’d be judging me. “Look at her car, I bet someone else bought it for her. I bet she’s sleeping with someone for it. I bet that’s not even hers. You know she used to have drivers before she had a car? She’s so bougey.” It goes on and on and on with people...


I had a dream last night though that I was at a really nice, expensive, fancy party, and everyone there had money. I felt so privileged to be invited and there and that I had worked so hard to get to that point and have that kind of money to be among them. Then an ex of mine showed up, kinda trashy looking, and people were kind of like, “who is that”. So I quickly ran to pull him aside where people couldn’t see us and see what he wanted. I was trying to hide from him the whole time, then in front of everyone he comes out and starts screaming in front of everyone saying how fake I was. He was saying that I wasn’t who they thought I was, and was tearing down my entire reputation with everyone. I had worked hard to get there and this person was coming out saying it was all a lie. I didn’t know what to do, what can you do except say that person is lying.


All of a sudden my cousin, who I actually haven’t talked to in years, comes passing by and just says, I don’t think you’re fake, as she passes me. And I was like, wow. I don’t need to worry about what people are saying. All that matters is that my real friends and family know what’s true and who cares what anyone else says. That’s easy to say, but so hard when friend after friend has shown signs of betrayal. It’s hard to know who will actually stay your friend, who will look at you differently, and who will just not care. I’m proud to say, I do have a few friends that really are my friends, that will always stand by me, and that’s great to have. I shouldn’t be ashamed of my past achievements, I should be proud of them. And it’s sad of me to stop being friends with people just because they’re ‘well known’. That wasn’t being a good friend either.


I also am about to embark on another journey that I’ve only told 2 friends about. 1 of them, I can’t believe I felt that trust to tell, lol, I’m actually in a way, scared, to tell everyone and then hear all of the negativity. Just like when I did so much when I was younger, I didn’t tell anyone, I just did it and made those new people my circle of friends, those that were involved in what I was doing, so I never had to think they wouldn’t believe me, cause they were it! Ha. Anyway, long rant, just had that dream last night and it made me realize why I wasn’t excited about my new car……needed to write this all out. Basically I need to remember in regards to friends and anyone I let around me, “You can’t fly with the eagles, if you hang out with turkeys.”


My new car (bringing it home today, they needed to detail it and add tint):


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Thursday, September 27, 2012 Posted in | | 0 Comments »

Celebrate my birthday with me! No matter what city/state/country you're in

Celebrate my birthday with me! No matter what city/state/country you're in :D Check it out: http://bit.ly/JU9RTt

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Friday, June 1, 2012 Posted in | | 0 Comments »

Superbowl weekend

I've been working out a lot lately and it feels amazing. It's getting boring though, Im only on my 3rd week, and its getting repetitive. So I need to find ways to make it fun again.

So what did yall do this weekend? Friday my friend came over and we worked out together, then met up with some other friends and went to see some of my friends play a show at Burbank Bar & Grille. That's always fun.

Saturday we did brunch, sat out at the pool at the Standard, went to Cabo Cantina, etc... ending at Rainbow and coming back to my house.

Sunday I went to watch the Superbowl at a restaurant that had the worst food ever lol. Then I came back home to watch the end and then watched the season premiere of The Voice. I like that show. I love how one of Christinas old cast mate is on there.

Today, I had 2 meetings, work, watched a CRAZY Dr. Phil, went to the gym, then relaxed and ordered chinese. Today on Dr. Phil they had this girl that was locked in a closet from age 2-6. Insane!!!! Her parents are in prison for life now.
When I ordered chinese awhile ago, I had just gotten out of the shower, so my hair was wet, etc...the guy calls me telling me he didnt want to park in the garage and for me to just go get the food from the lobby. I'm like, what?! That's across the building, I wasnt dressed to walk out there and I was mad. I went down to get my food and yelled at the guy. My concierge wouldnt let him out either, lol, he kept the main doors locked so I could keep yelling at him. It was awesome. He wouldnt give me his name either, so I called the company I ordered food from and they let the management there know, refunded me, and then the restaurant actually texted me saying sorry. It was a good resolution. I just wanted that guy to know he cant treat people like that and if Im paying for a service, they need to deliver on that.

Anyway, tomorrow I need to go get more workout clothes at Victorias Secret, some new eye liner, and maybe a new dress for the awards Im hosting Friday. Should be fun!

What are yall up to?!

Jessica

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Monday, February 6, 2012 Posted in | | 0 Comments »

Attend the Artists In Music Awards for just $25!

Come join me when I'll be presenting at the 2012 Artists In Music Awards powered by TigerHeat!
Gonna be SUPER FUN. Live performances and just tons of fun.

Friday FEB 10, 2010 at the Key Club on Sunset
7P - Red Carpet

Good news, you can buy tix and join me via my link: http://aimusicawards.ticketleap.com/t/JH/
(Let me know if you do so I can meet up and say hey!)

Gen admission - $25
Gen admission plus the after party with more performances - $35

This is gonna be such a fun night full of music and fun!

The Artists In Music Awards was created to honor and recognize the best independent music artists from around the world. Many artists produce music deserving of radio play, but few get to shine in the world of mainstream. I def believe in supporting indie acts.




Love,
Jessica
www.twitter.com/jessicahanson
www.facebook.com/jessicathedancer

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Tuesday, January 24, 2012 Posted in | | 0 Comments »

My Personality

I use Stumble Upon a lot and today when looking around, it Stumbled me to a visual personality quiz. It was actually dead on. Here's what it said:

SPIRIT:
You're an Energizer. You're friendly and talkative and love connecting with people. Your warm energy can be contagious so your friends would probably agree that you're lots of fun to be around. It takes a lot to stress you out and throw you off balance. You seem pretty centred and organized right now. Give yourself a pat on the back! A healthy relationship really is the bedrock of a happy home, but it also takes a lot of energy and commitment to maintain. Make sure that with all the other distractions, your love life doesn't end up at the bottom of the list. For someone who enjoys the buzz of social gatherings and lively events, the importance of a contrasting space in your life is especially important. You find great strength and comfort from being at one with nature. Make sure you remind yourself of how special those moments can be for reinvigorating.

RELATIONSHIP:
Settling down doesn't have to be boring. Connecting with your true love is just the start of a new adventure, so get ready to let your hair down! As a True Romantic, you've got a whole lot of love to give and like to jump in feet first. You have strong instincts and a good understanding of who you are and what you want from life. You like to follow your dreams and believe in happy endings. You are expressive and would like a relationship that's very open and honest. Intense experiences appeal to your sensual side. It's all about immersing yourself in the fairy-tale feelings of being in love. For you, it's the little things that make being in love so special: a sunset stroll on a beach, holding hands at the movies and feeling protected and cared for.
Relationship tips:
So you're a True Romantic but what tips can we give for when you're looking for love?
Be natural. Begin by making friends. That way you can enjoy being yourself as you gradually explore whether there's a deeper potential between you.
You are naturally warm and trusting. Just make sure to follow your instincts and listen to your head as well as your heart before diving in too deep.
It's the little things that count. It's time to let your thoughtfulness shine. Get ready to woo with lots of tender words and surprising gifts.
Express yourself! You have a natural flair for communication. This is your chance to connect. Be open, friendly and easygoing.

MONEY:
For you, it's important to make the most of life's experiences. You like to get out and about and really let your hair down whenever you can. Your drive and motivation mean you know what you want out of life and you're not afraid to go for it. You have a taste for the finer things, but you know they're not easy to come by. You're focused and determined, with the ambition to achieve your vision. Just make sure you take time to admire the view rather than heading as fast as you can to the destination.

HEALTH:
Mornings aren't your idea of fun. You sometimes get stressed out about the day ahead and how much you have to accomplish! Overall, however, there's no question that you're in good shape and on the right track with your health. You believe in a balanced approach to living a healthy lifestyle. It's all about moderation. You enjoy exercise and eating healthily, but you're not going to let it take over and run your life. You manage to fit physical activity around your everyday activities, and your happy-go-lucky attitude means you won't stress about it too much. You know that a couple of missed gym sessions won't make a huge difference to how you feel overall. It's definitely not worth worrying about, that's for sure.

HOME:
Ever dreamed about living the A-list lifestyle with a luxury villa and a pool perfect for parties? Thought so! Who needs stress and deadlines when you could be chilling in the sun all day or paying a visit to your own swim-up bar? What's not to love?

ENTERTAINMENT:
You love music. Your life is definitely set to a soundtrack. The atmosphere and energy of a live gig makes you tick. There's just something amazing and uplifting about seeing a great musician play that you can't get through a pair of speakers. You get a buzz from being as close to the action as you can.

STYLE:
You like to take things easy. Life's busy enough without having to worry about getting dressed up every day. It's about maximum comfort with a splash of style, so it's hard to beat your favorite pair of jeans. But don't forget how good it can feel to give yourself a makeover every now and then. It can work wonders for your self-esteem to refresh your wardrobe, spruce up your hair and put on a great dress. So make sure you schedule a shopping trip and pampering session every few months. You deserve it!

TRAVEL:
You're open-minded and a positive thinker, so when you get the chance to go traveling, you love to head somewhere exotic and off the beaten track. For you, escapism is the ultimate in relaxation. It's the perfect antidote to the stress of everyday life. You love the feel of the sun and sea on your skin, so your perfect vacation would definitely include a beach. Even better if it's secluded and undiscovered by hordes of tourists!

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Saturday, December 10, 2011 Posted in | | 0 Comments »